Workout Jokes

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and more...

Do you wake up Saturday mornings stiff and sore? Is another night like Friday night the only thing that will make you feel better? Do you workout alone? Do you find that once you've thrown a jab, you can't stop until you've followed it with a reverse punch? If so, you may be (gasp!!) HOOKED ON KARATE. How do you know? Here are a few clues. You know you're hooked when the first word out of your parrot's mouth is KIAI!, and you teach your cat how to free spar. You know you're hooked when you have more bruises than a roller derby queen, and you still go back for more. You know you're hooked when you shut the refrigerator door with a side thrust kick. You know you're hooked when you shop for clothes based on whether you can kick in them. You know you're hooked when the only clothes you'll wear are gis. You know you're hooked when you actually crave a beach workout. You know you're hooked when the books on your night stand are by authors like Gichin Funakoshi, Hirokazu Kanazawa and Musashi more...

For HER

08: 15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

08: 30 Weigh in 2kg lighter than yesterday

08: 45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

09: 15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani oil

10: 00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer

10: 30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry

12: 00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12: 45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notice that she has gained 7 kg

13: 00 Shopping with friends. Unlimited credit.

15: 00 Nap

16: 00 3 dozen red roses delivered by florist from a secret admirer

16: 15 Light workout at club followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk who says that he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body

17: 30 Choose outfit from expensive, designer wardrobe. Parade in more...

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh in 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb-out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30 pounds.
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
15:00 Nap.
16:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer.
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before mirror.
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
22:00 Hot shower (alone).
22:30 Make love.
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM:
6:00 Alarm.
6:15 more...

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrent lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and cut
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM
6:00 Alarm
6:15 more...