Worse Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?" "Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have someterrible news for you. It's disfigured." "Well, how bad is it? Can I see?" "Follow me, sir." They head down a restricted corridor and come to the firstdoor. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms. Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please." They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs. Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?" "No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me." Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all." Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?" "Not your child, sir. Follow me." One more room left in the hall. more...

A Letter of Apology From The Chap Who Was Fired After The Christmas Party....
(Author Unknown)
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling
of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a
bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office
Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as
this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I
would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf
and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called
you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon,
nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story
of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my
imagination. Your children more...

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.

Finally, he more...

Top ten ways the Internet could get worse10. Rigorous user screening process abolished by America On-Line.9. "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment, declare internet lawyers Canter & Siegel.8. Home shopping "network".7. Netrek corporate sponsorships. Out: Orion, Pollux, Klingus. In: Planet Bud, Toyota Prime, Intelworld.6. Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.5. Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".4. Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.3. Gameboy web browsers.2. Tipper Gore cancelbot unleashed onto the net.AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THE INTERNET CAN GET WORSE:1. Two words: "Microsoft Network"

Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead
Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat
Be Nice to Your Children... They'll Pick Your Nursing Home
Husbands Should Come With Instructions
Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time
Even If You Lead a Good Life, Go to Church and Say Your Prayers, You'll Still Go to Des Moines When You Die
Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same
I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man... I've Been Practicing Since 1949
Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton
Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt
Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control
If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees
A Nest Isn't Empty Until All Their Stuff Is Out of the Attic
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
My Husband and I Married for Better more...

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
-Jan King-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird-

I'm not offended by all the more...

Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead"Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"Procrastinate Now"Rehab Is for Quitters(Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man""My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse""The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"