Wrap Jokes / Recent Jokes

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb,
went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact
there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And
lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth,' Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the more...

COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WACKER
DON'T BE SILLY... PROTECT YOUR WILLIE
BEFORE YOU BLAST HER, GUARD YOUR BUSHMASTER
DON'T BE A LONER... COVER YOUR BONER
WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WACK IT
IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
BEFORE YOU BAG HER, SHEATH YOUR DAGGER
IT'LL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN THIGHS, BE SURE YOU CONDOMIZE
TO SAVE EMBARRASSMENT LATER, COVER YOUR 'GATOR'
SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU CAP YOUR DICK
IF YOU GO INTO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP THAT PENIS
WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS N' BLOUSE, SUIT UP THAT TROUSER MOUSE
DON'T DO MORE THAN NECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT-WRAP YOUR MEMBER
BEFO' DA VAN START ROCKIN', BE SHO' YO' COCK GOTS A STOCKIN'
DON'T BE A FOOL, more...

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down more...

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of
oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.

"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner. "Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"

Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care for their infants.
As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I wrap my baby like a burrito?"

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm more...

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.


2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws more...