York Jokes / Recent Jokes

In Hartford, Connecticut: it is illegal to cross a street while walking on your hands.
In Ottumwa, Iowa: it is unlawful for a man to wink at any woman that he does not know.
In Los Angeles: you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
In Zion, Illinois: it is illegal to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, New York: a man cannot go outside while wearing a jacket and trousers that do not match.
In St. Louis: it's illegal to sit on the kerb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
In Baltimore, Maryland: it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-storey window within the city-limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the cinema.
In Carrizozo, New Mexico: it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face.)
In Michigan: a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In New York: it is against the law to throw a more...

(Original. Inspired by Rush Limbaugh's 'Environmentalist Wacko Football
Picks'.)
The Tree-Hugger's Guide to the NFL
Sure, football is a violence-glorifying testosterone orgy that should be
banned. But that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy it when you're not
out spiking trees or protesting your local gas station as a pollution-
mongering crime against the Earth. But when you're watching 22 steroid-
chomping overmuscled monsters (i.e, men) try to beat each other senseless
in a series of imperialist land grabs, how do you know who to cheer for?
We have the answer: Ranking the entire NFL in terms of What We Know Is
Right.
Our General Principles:
Any animal is better than any human.
Endangered animals are better than non-endangered animals.
Native Americans are better than other oppressed/discriminated
minorities are better than any other human.
Humans guilty of crimes against other humans are better than more...

A swede was in a nightclub in New York, dancing with a beautiful woman. He whispered into her ear, "I love you." She smiled and whispered back, "I love you too!" There was a little pause, the swede was thinking, then he whispered, "I love you three."

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Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don`t jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven`t got a father; I`m going to jump." The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven`t got one; going to jump." Desperate the cop yells up "Don`t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin" Man replies "Who is that?" Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You`re blocking traffic!"

You Know You're in New York City When...
1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons.
2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour.
3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals say, "Ack. More damned aliens."
4. The aroma of smoked meat is able to counteract the smell of smog and pollution.
5. The priest in the cadillac behind you gives you the finger for cutting him off.
6. You pass a convenience store advertising "Free green cards, no questions asked."
7. The gas station attendants actually speak English.
8. The unearthly pounding of the cranked up bass in the El Camino next to you is drowned out by the cabshonking their horns.
9. A person with rainbow striped hair can pass bywithout anyone staring.
10. The bumper sticker on the senior citizen's car in front of you reads, "Warning: I more...

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."