"Elderly Lady's Three Wishes" joke
An elderly lady was rocking on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared before her and offered to grant her three wishes.
"Well," said the woman, "I really would like to be rich."
*POOF* Her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
"I sure wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess," she said.
*POOF* She was immediately turned into a beautiful young princess with a stunning crown of jewels.
"Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother, just as the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them. "Ohh," the woman exclaimed, "Could you possibly turn my cat into a handsome young prince?"
*POOF* Standing before her was a young man far more handsome than anyone could ever imagine.
She stared at him in awe, totally smitten. As he moved towards her, she could feel her knees weaken. He bent down, lightly brushed his lips across her ear and whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry you had me neutured!"
A cop pulled a guy over for speeding at which time the following conversation was exchanged:
Cop: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: Sorry, I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Cop: May I see the owner's card for the more...
your momas so fat when she steped on a scale the scale said o shit i want ur weight not ur fone number