"Hipster Bacteria" joke

"I'm Going To Be the First One On My Block To Become Anaerobic!"
Above: Escherichia coli bacteria at the Rancid concert.

This unwashed chicken thigh on the TGI Friday's cook's counter I live in is sooooo played out. No one cool is moving here or going through binary fission any more. And to top it off, the other day, all of a sudden, some eukaryotes moved in and drove the property value way up. You get a membrane-bound nucleus and suddenly everyone thinks you're made of pure carbon. I think they're part of a human finger or thumb but these days my nucleoid's so tired of giving a crap, I can't say for sure.

So now in order to afford my loft space down by the skin, I'm going to have to find a roommate. A roommate! What am I, RNA? That shit is for introns! And I know how lazy I am. I don't want to go out and actually find someone to live with. So I'm almost definitely just going to divide and make a copy of me.

But that's gonna suck cause I already know what a dick I can be. I don't need to live with myself to find that out. The last three failed relationships with copies of myself were enough of a clue, thanks so much. Plus, the prokaryotes who are moving here...well, even though we all reproduce asexually, I still have to say those guys are totally gay. And if it's not them it's like there are about a million invertebrate parasite lame-asses corporatizing everything and sucking the cool out of the place. It's like, "Hey everybody, I'm a Flatworm and I want to live in this really chill meat-hood that E.Coli totally discovered but which I'm going to make super lame with my bullshit, nutrient-guzzling, multicellular life style. Come hang out at my pad and be my friend. If you do I'll buy you expensive drugs and we can stare at my way-past-retro-now-it's embarassing Amoeba Lava Lamp."

So that's why I'm going to read up and learn to metabolize without the use of oxygen. That way you can live a lot more places. The extremophile neighborhoods are stil way cheap and I know this one archeabacteria who moved into this Black Smoker at the bottom of the Pacific near Hawaii that nobody wanted to live in so he got this huge space all to himself. Sure, now there are a bunch of other archeabacteria living there too but at least they're archeabacteria, you know, and cause everything's made of sulfides, it's even cheaper! But I don't know. That sounds like a tough commute. I have trouble flagellating just a few micrometers every few days. I don't want to wait to first get eaten while living on this chicken, THEN wait to get flushed out to sea, THEN wait to be absorbed into a dead fish carcass, and THEN wait to sink to the bottom of the sea.

Plus once you get there, if it's full up, who do you complain to and where would I go then? The Upper Mantle? F that. So anyway, I think I'm going to find a decent scalding geyser and get a good deal there before the mall crowd ruins it. Which they will. Ach. Whatever. Man!

It's like, this place was great when I first got here and it was just me and a couple other guys like me who saw the potential of this meat and wanted to enjoy the local flavor......but now that everyone's moving here...the whole place is just, I guess, spoiled for me. Whatever. Later.