"Hotel Letters" joke

Hotel Letters
The following letters were taken from an actual incident between aLondon hotel and one of its guests. The hotel submitted the letters to the London SundayTimes for their humor column....

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Dear Maid,
    Please do not leave any more of those little barsof soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the sixunopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in theshower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman

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Dear Room 635,
    I am not your regular maid. She will be backtomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dishas you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of yourKleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I lefttoday which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this issatisfactory.
Kathy,
Relief Maid

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Dear Maid,
    I hope you are my regular maid. ApparentlyKathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I gotback to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under mymedicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my ownbath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are inmy way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
    My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were inyour way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial inthe medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps whichare always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did notobject to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of furtherassistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty

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Dear Mr. Berman,
    The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed methis morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies forany past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can giveit my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Miss Carmen,
    It is impossible to contact you by phone since Ileave the hotel for business at 7: 45 AM and don't get back before 5: 30 or 6PM. That's thereason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid youassigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars ofhotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why areyou doing this to me?
S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
    Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stopdelivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of furtherassistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
    My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soapwas taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and hadto call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
    I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, ofyour soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since ourmaids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situationwill be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in myroom? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 littlebars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars ofsoap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman

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Dear Mr. Berman,
    You complained of too much soap in your room so Ihad them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so Ipersonally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you aresupposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviouslyyour maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camaysplus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sizeDial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
    Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on mylatest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, - 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
    Please ask Kathy when she services my room tomake sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her thatstacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill isnot in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, Ihave purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault inorder to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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