"How to stay stressed" joke

Forwarded to me through a long chain of email addresses.
This came from a bookmark distributed by De Anza College.
How To Stay Stressed
Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress
management, stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of
students, faculty, and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to
the following conclusion: YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED! The following
provides you with a few reasons why.
STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT. Anyone as stressed as you must be
working very hard and, therefore,
is probably doing something very
crucial.
IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL Anyone as busy as you are certainly
DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY. can't be expected to form emotional
attachments to anyone. And let's
face it, you're not much fun to be
around anyway.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES. Obviously you're too stressed to be
given any more work. This gets you
off the hook for all the mundane
chores; let someone else take care
of them.
IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH. Stress might be considered a cheap
thrill, and you can give yourself a
"hit" anytime you choose. But be
careful, you might get addicted to
your own adrenaline.
IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS. Why risk being "successful" when by
simply staying stressed you can
avoid all of that? Stress can keep
your performance level low enough
that success won't ever be a threat.
STRESS ALSO LETS YOU KEEP YOUR The authoritarian style of "Just do
AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE. what I say!" is generally permissi-
ble under crisis conditions. If
you maintain a permanently stressed
crisis atmosphere, you can justify
an authoritarian style all the time.
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble
if you practice the following clinically proven methods:
NEVER EXERCISE. Exercise wastes a lot of time that
could be spent worrying.
EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT. Hey, if cigarette smoke can't
cleanse your system, a balanced
diet isn't likely to.
GAIN WEIGHT. Work hard at staying at least 25
pounds over your recommended
weight.
TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS. The old standards of caffeine,
nicotine, sugar, and cola will
continue to do the job just fine.
AVOID "WOO-WOO" PRACTICES. Ignore the evidence suggesting
that meditation, yoga, deep
breathing, and/or mental imaging
help to reduce stress. The
Protestant work ethic is good for
everyone, Protestant or not.
GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL Let the few friends who are
SUPPORT SYSTEM. willing to tolerate you know that
concern yourself with friendships
only if you have time, and you
never have time. If a few people
persist in trying to be your
friend, avoid them.
PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM. Anyone who criticizes any aspect
of your work, family, dog, house,
or car is mounting a personal
attack. Don't take time to
listen, be offended, then return
the attack!
THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Staying stressed is no laughing
matter, and it shouldn't be
treated as one.
MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE - BE MACHO. Never ever ask for help, and if
you want it done right, do it
yourself!
BECOME A WORKAHOLIC. Put work before everything else,
and be sure to take work home
evenings and weekends. Keep
reminding yourself that vacations
are for sissies.
DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. Schedule in more activities every
day than you can possibly get done
and then worry about it all
whenever you get a chance.
PROCRASTINATE. Putting things off to the last
second always produces a marvelous
amount of stress.
WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T Worry about the stock market,
CONTROL. earthquakes, the approching Ice
Age, you know, all the big issues.
BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT...and either beat yourself up, or
SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH STANDARDS... feel guilty, depressed, discour-