"If I were an Evil Mastermind...." joke
1. My doomsday device would not employ a large red digital countdown device unless it was absolutely necessary. If a countdown device proves to be necessary, the doomsday device will be set to activate when the counter reaches 00:10:00, rather than 00:00:00.
2. My Legions of Terror will have uniforms designed by a talented fashion designer, and will not be a cheap knockoff of the Nazi SS uniform, the roman foot-soilder uniform, or the clothing of the savage Mongol horde. All such groups were eventually defeated, and I want my troops to have a more positive outlook on themselves.
3. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic rifle marksmanship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice.
4. I will not use any Master Plan for which the final step is horrably complicated (for example: align the 12 stones of power on the sacred alter and activate the medallion durring a total eclipse). Instead, I will use plans that have a final step along the lines of "push the button."
5. If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opporitunities to achieve absolute power, as these inevitably backfire. However, if my objection is absolute power, I will consider settling for mere world domination.
6. Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truely and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination efforts until the last morsel of goodness is expunged.
7. Since nothing if more irritating that a hero defeating you with basic math skills, I design all of my personal sidearms to fire one more bullet than is standard.
Q: What is the similarity between a rubix cube and a dick?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!
A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I more...
Arnold Schwartzinagor has a long one
Michael J. Fox has a short one
Madonna doesn't have one and
Bill Clinton uses his a lot
What is "it"?
A last name!
Now what were you thinking?
What did the photographer say, when about to photograph a group of tourists?
"WAVE!"