"The Man's Point System!" joke

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer...-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night...0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the
toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0 When the toilet-paper roll is
barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you
shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party...0 You
stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy...-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8
HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to
dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1 Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's
all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your
favorite team...-10
THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely...-20 You forget
your anniversary...-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus
station...-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50 And the pouring
rain dissolves her leg cast...-60
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal...-5 And the pal is
happily married...-4 Or frighteningly single...-7 And he drives a
Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...-15
You have a few beers...-9 And miss curfew by an hour...-12 You miss
curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20 You get home at 3
am...-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars
...-40 And not wearing any pants...-50 Is that a tattoo??...-200
HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying
friend from work...+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,
and she comes home real late...+10 You wait up...+15 She goes out,
comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20
A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie...+2 You take her to a movie she
likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to a
movie you like...-2 It's called DeathCop
3...-3 Which features cyborgs having sex...-9 You lied and said it
was a foreign film about orphans...-15
FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0 You buy her
flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it...+20 You give her
wildflowers you've actually picked yourself...+30 And she contracts
Lyme disease...-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a
noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10 You develop
a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts...-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one
too"....-800
FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical...+5
Something she can't use...+10 Such as a motorized model
airplane...-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40
DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive...+20 You let her mother
tell you how to drive...+40 You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10 You end up
getting lost because you followed her directions...+10 You end up
getting lost in a bad part of town...-