justincider's Jokes

I'll never forget my girlfriend's dying words to me:

"For god's sake, put the fucking knife down!"

A Shopworker feels horny and decides to have a wank there and then. Frapping away he hears the owner approaching, he panics and shoves his cock in the till.
"You look happy!" says the owner.
"Yeah," replies the worker, "I've just come into some money."

I was really angry when my mates got me an anal vibrator for my birthday.
I hated them for it, but now, I've put it behind me.....

My mate told me yesterday that he had seen his doctor and been told he had to give up sex or he will die.
I said, "Why, mate?"
He said, "I've been fucking his wife."

Before the Navy Seals got Bin Laden, the Irish SAS stormed a department store in Dublin. They recieved information that Summer bed linen was on the 2nd floor.

Harry is visiting his grandma. She complains about the high cost of living. "When I was a girl, you could go out with a shilling and come back home with a dozen eggs, two pints of milk, a pound of bacon, half a pound of tea and a fresh chicken."
"Yes," says Harry, "that's inflation for you."
"It's nothing to do with inflation," says grandma, "it's all them fucking CCTV cameras they have nowadays."

My doctor asked me if I drank to excess.

I told him I would drink to anything.