Adam Jokes / Recent Jokes

DIRECTIONS FOR ADAM & EVE
After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that Was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "'You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve." And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"' So the Lord again gave Adam more...

5. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

4. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.

3. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

2. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

And finally
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

Here are some responses by younger students from a secular
school when asked to expound on various teachings of the Bible. Their words
are unedited:
"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off."
"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."
"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."
"Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears."
"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."
"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unwympathetic Genitals."
"Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah."
"Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles."
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any more...

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked.

"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."

"So where is she?" asked God.

"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam. Damn," said God, "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."

God one day decided he ought to check in with Adam to see how things were
going.
"Adam....How are things going?"
Adam replies that he considers himself quite fortunate to be living in such
a beautiful and peaceful place but he did have a couple of questions to ask,
if the Lord didn't mind, of course.
"No problem," said the Lord, "Ask away"
"Well Lord, I was wondering why you made Eve so beautiful? Not that I'm
complaining, mind you."
"Adam, I made Eve so beautiful so that you would like her."
"Oh, well yes, I do like her very much. Thank you Lord. You made her so
beautiful, but why is it then that you made her so stupid?"
"Well Adam, I had to make sure she liked you too!"

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
It's a very handy thing, God told the couple. "I was
wondering if either one of you wanted the ability?" Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly. It would be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to." On and on he went like an excited little boy...
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would make him happy and she wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given this ability. And so, Adam was more...

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."