Airlines Jokes / Recent Jokes

Which condom would you use....Nike Condoms: Just do it.Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.Ford Condoms: The best never rest.Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey- you never know.California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...General Electric: We bring good things to life! AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch more...

What They Said. . . And What We Did

According to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a' gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight.
The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, and then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight.
It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers.

Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.

(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

1) Test flight OK, e

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken
clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the
event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take
them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among
the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines
is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, A lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard more...

ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you. ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings. Join our frequent near-miss program. On flights, every section is a smoking section. Ask about our out-of-court settlements. Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off. Complimentary champagne during free-fall. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you. The kids will love our inflatable slides. You think it's so easy, get your own plane! Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes? Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose. ValueJet: We may be landing on your street. ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us. Bring a bathing suit. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots. Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God. more...

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo? "Just a minute," said the busy clerk. "Vell, said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink Ill just take da bus."

U heard each of the religions r having their own airplane companies now? Each with it's own motto...
Baptist Airlines: No drinking, smoking or dancing in the aisles...
Catholic Lines: All our attendants wear black
Methodist Flys: Drinks for Everybody!
Jehovah Witness Wings: No matter how short your bathroom "visit"... we KEEP knocking at the door..
How much sin can I get away with & STILL get to heaven...