Alimony Jokes

Alimony:
1) A contraction of the term "all-his-money".
2) A splitting headache.
3) It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
4) Paying for something you don't get.
5) That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.
6) The high cost of leaving.
7) The last laugh.
8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.
9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.
10) A woman's cash surrender value.
11) The billing minus the cooing.
Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.
Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.
Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.
What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.
He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.

Anyone who thinks that severance pay is something new probably doesn't understand alimony.
No man knows how short a month can be until he has to pay alimony.
Paying alimony is like having your television on while you're asleep.
I sued for divorse on the grounds of mental cruelty. A couple of times, she tried to kill me.
We had a Hollywood divorce. She asked for custody of the money.
It was a rather friendly divorce, we split up the house equally. I got the outside.
I'm never getting married again. I'll just find some woman I really hate and buy her a house.

Alimony is having an ex-husband you can bank on.

Standing before the judge during an alimony hearing, the man said, “As God is my judge, I do not owe that madwoman money! ”
The judge calmly replied, “He isn’t. I am. You do. ”

On Alimony
A contraction of the term "all-his-money".
A splitting headache.
It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
Paying for something you don't get.
That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.
The high cost of leaving.
The last laugh.
The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.
Buying oats for a runaway horse.
A woman's cash surrender value.
The billing minus the cooing.
Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.
Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.
Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.
Q: What is the definition of a faithful husband?
A: One who's alimony checks arrive on time.
He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.