Amputate Jokes

A man who had been prescribed Viagra dies "in the act" and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."
"Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."
The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.
On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a more...

In WW2 Captain Saunders was wounded in battle and captured by the Germans. He was sent to a German military hospital.
On his first day in the hospital a doctor came, bearing bad news, "we have to amputate your legs."
The Captain was very sad, however he asked the doctor if his legs could be dropped in his commanders next bombing mission over Britain. The doctor asked his commander, and he said yes.
And sure enough it was dropped.
On the second day the doctor came bearing more bad news, "we have to amputate your left arm."
The Captain was sadder than before, but he asked if this could also be dropped, in the commander's next mission. The answer was yes and it was dropped.
On the third day, the doctor came bearing even more bad news, "we have to amputate your right arm."
The Captain was also sad, and he asked the arm could be dropped in the next bombing mission. The doctor replied, "NO, my commander thinks you are trying to more...

(best done with exaggerated English & German accents)
An English P.O.W. is in a German hospital with serious injuries. The
doctor comes into his room and says, "The news iss bad. Ve are going to
have to amputate your leg." The Brit replies "Right then. War is hell and
all that malarkey. But could you ask your commandant if he wouldn't find
it to much of a bother to drop it over my beloved homeland when he goes on
his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and with the commandant's
permission, they fulfill his request.
A few days later, the doctor returns into his room and says, "More bad news.
Ve are going to have to amputate your other leg." The Brit replies "Right
then. War is hell and all that malarkey. Could you ask your commandant
if he wouldn't mind terribly if he could drop it over my beloved homeland
when he goes on his next bombing mission?" Off goes the doctor, and more...

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and doe not use a condom all the time.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there is no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".
The doctor replies: more...

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there he's quite sexually
promiscuous and takes no precautions. A week after arriving back home in the
States, he awakes one morning to find his privates covered with bright green
and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The
doctor has never seen anything like it and orders tests. He tells the man to
return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later
and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted what's
known as Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of in the States.
We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says,
"Well, okay, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc." The doctor
answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate
your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!". The more...