Annoying Jokes / Recent Jokes

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer...-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night...0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You replace the
toilet-paper roll more...

Think of the most annoying sound and think of something that can go higher than that. Picture two skeletons screwing on a tin roof

She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.
If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.
Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."
No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.
Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do with hockey.
Affirmative action.
When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.
Oprah.
Feminists.
Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.
The 2nd and 19th amendments.
I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you"
Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.
When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody calling me back.
Women sportscasters.
Women congressman.
God more...

The Ten Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard on the opposite sexes genetalia
2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
3. Thou shall kiss at every given opportunity
4. If thou kissed someone, and was slapped, thou shalt not kiss her again.
5. Thou shall never bite when in the act of french kissing
6. Thou shall not pay for sexual intercourse
7. Thou shall not date members of state or Musicians
8. Thou shall not have sexual intercourse in public convieniences.
9. thou should never turn down free sexual intercourse
10. Procreate at will
Religions of the world
Taoism: Shit happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, shit happens
Hinduism: This shit has happened before
Buddhism: Shit happens, yet shit does not happen
Islam: Shit happens, is Allah wills
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to me?
Protestantism: Let shit happen to other people
Catholicism: If shit more...

There was an annoying clerk who worked in a downtown office. In particular, he had two habits which drove his co-workers batty. First of all, there was the squeaky wheel on his chair. All day long, his every movement was announced through the building. Worse yet though, was his habit of telling bad puns. You would have thought the office was an infirmary from the sound of the groans. One day, after opening his lunch box and stating that the wurst was yet to come, things finally came to a head. It seemed that violence would shortly ensue if nothing was done.

It was at this point when the office's good Samaritan stepped in. He sat the clerk down and talked over the problems with him. He got the clerk's promise to stop with the puns and to fix the wheels on his chair. Just a short while later, all were overjoyed to see him on his knees with an oilcan by his chair. The good Samaritan came walking up, and with a broad smile stated how happy he was to see him "casting oil on more...

Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?
a. It's hungry.
b. It's lost.
c. You're hungry.
d. Let the begging begin.
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?
a. Supper.
b. Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat.
c. Something to keep you going till supper's ready.
d. Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?
a. You're in trouble - better not do it again.
b. Nothing - humans do this from time to time.
c. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
d. It is time to chew on the cable wire again.
Staircases are for:
a. Getting up to the human's bed at 4am.
b. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
c. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d. All of the above.
Your human talks/yells at you. You should:
a. Listen intently, even if you don't understand.
b. Meow in more...

THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it
is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she
dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing
something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the
decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled
sheets...-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty
liners with wings...+5 But return with beer. ..-5 You check out a
suspicious noise at night. .. 0 You check out a suspicious noise and
it's nothing... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's
something....+5 You pummel it with a six iron....+10 It's her
father...-10 You leave the toilet seat more...