Association Jokes / Recent Jokes

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only
one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist
You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist
You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this
before.
Procrastinator
You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat
You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in
multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer
You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor
You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order
to make your next appointment.
Sales executive
You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their
friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service
You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold
fillings.
Advertiser
You more...

According to a trade association of prostitutes in Harare, Zimbabwe, massive layoffs in the economy have led to an oversupply of women taking up prostitution and a reduction in men's spending power, causing them either to ignore prostitutes or to visit bars only to drink and flirt before going home to the wife.
To save their jobs, the association recommended in January that prostitutes raise their price from about $2.80 to about $4.60 but also requested that wives loosen the purse strings to allow husbands to spend more when they go out.

On the first day of kindergarten, the teacher decided to do taste association with her class. "I'll blindfold you, give you a lifesaver and then you tell me what flavor it is," she instructed the students.
She gave them all a grape lifesaver and asked them what flavor it was. "Mmmmm, it's grape," the class answered.
"Very good," the teacher replied. She then gave them all a cherry lifesaver and they replied, "Mmmmm, it's cherry."
"Excellent," said the teacher. Next she gave them all a honey flavor lifesaver. The class seemed stumped by the strange taste, so the teacher said, "Ok, I'll give you a little hint. It's something your parents might call each other."
Billy immediately spit his out onto the floor and yelled, "Quick, everyone spit them out, they're ASSHOLES!"

THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
parachute.
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump
anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps
just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use
in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get
the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their
luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while more...

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A co-worker of mine fielded phone calls from his Alumni Association every three months for about five years, ostensibly checking to see that his records were up to date, and coincidentally asking if he'd like to donate to the Alumni Association. Once, when checking his records, the employee asked, "Is xxx-xxxx your current phone number? Seeing his opportunity, he answered no, and made up a new phone number. He hasn't heard from them since.

Below is an item that appeared recently in various Humor lists. It did not appear credible to me, so I wrote to the Association of Trial Lawyers of America for their comments on its veracity. Their comments (including a little propaganda for their side) follow the summary of the Stella Awards below. We may have some "goofy" legal decisions in America, but the ones below appear to be bogus.
Origin of the Stella Awards:
In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates.
January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture more...

Computer scientist Arthur Boran was ecstatic. A few minutes earlier, he had programmed a basic
mathematical problem into his prototypical Akron I computer. His request was simply, "Give me the sum
of every odd number between zero and ten." The computer's quick answer, 157, was unexpected, to say
the least. With growing excitement, Boran requested an explanation of the computer's reasoning. The
printout read as follows: THE TERM "ODD NUMBER" IS AMBIGUOUS. I THEREFORE CHOOSE TO INTERPRET IT AS
MEANING "A NUMBER THAT IS FUNNY LOOKING." USING MY AESTHETIC JUDGEMENT, I PICKED THE NUMBERS 3, 8,
AND 147, ADDED THEM UP, AND GOT 157.
A few moments later there was an addendum: I GUESS I MEANT 158.
Followed shortly thereafter by: 147 IS MORE THAN 10, ISN'T IT? SORRY.
Anyone doing conventional research would have undoubtedly consigned the hapless computer to the scrap
heap. But for Boran, the Akron I's response more...