Attack Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two men died and struck up a conversation while they were waiting at the Pearly Gates.
"How did you die?" asked the first.
"I froze to death," replied the second.
"Oh, that's horrible. How did it feel to freeze to death," the first man asked.
"At first, it was very uncomfortable," explained the second man. "You get the shakes and then your fingers and toes become painful. Eventually though, it's a very calm way to go. You become numb and kind of drift off, just as if you're sleeping. What about you, how did you die?"
"I had a massive heart attack," answered the first man. "I knew my wife was having an affair so, one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I quickly ran up to the bedroom but found her there alone, reading a book. I then ran down to the basement, but didn't find anyone hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor and again found no one hiding. Then I ran as fast as I could up to the more...

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. Whats up? he says. Im having a heart attack, cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialling. his four-year-old son comes up and says, `Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Teds hiding in your wardrobe and hes got no clothes on! The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. You jerk, yells the husband, my wifes having a heart attack and youre running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

This is how Army policy all begins...
Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.
Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water.
Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the more...

During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. "You there," the sergeant shouts, "the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!" The recruit takes two steps to one side.
"What are you doing, man?" Yells the sergeant, purple with fury. "I`m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant," answers the recruit calmly.

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"
"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

BUDAPEST (Reuters) - The annual pre-Christmas swine slaughter in a southwestern Hungarian village came to a shocking end after one man died of electrocution while trying to stun a pig, whose owner then died of heart attack.
Celebrations at the pig-killing party in Darvaspuszta took a turn for the worse on Saturday when an unnamed visiting Croatian man shocked himself to death while trying to knock out a pig with a homemade electric pig stunner, national news agency MTI said
A local man ended up in hospital with an irregular heart rhythm after attempting a rescue by trying to unplug the device.
The shocking accident so upset the pig's owner, he suffered a heart attack and died.
There was no word on the fate of the pig.