Australian Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Australian liberal party announced today that they arechanging their emblem to a condombecause it more clearly reflects their party'spolitical stance :A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages co-operation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security whilescrewing others.
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits an English farmer.
"So, English farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting,"replies the researcher and he leaves the English farmer. Then he meets an Australian farmer.
"So, Australian farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting,"replies the researcher,"That's how they do it in England too."And he leaves the Australian farmer.
Then he meets a farmer from New Zealand.
"So, kiwi farmer, how do you shag your more...
On a desert island in the middle of the ocean, the following groups of beautiful people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she alternates with the two German men. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking more...
Australian Rules Football is, like the games of many countries, a game of spectator devotion. Kids are born as supporters of a team, and die that way. Especially Collingwood supporters.
For example: Friend of mine (yes, one of those sorts of jokes) went to the Grand Final one year. Couldn't find a seat. Went into the Collingwood stand, saw and old bloke sitting next to the empty seat. Went over to him.
"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"
"No, sit down mate"
"How come this seat was empty?"
"Oh I booked two seats, one for me and one for my wife"
"Is she ill or something?"
"No: actually she died last week"
"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on your grief"
"Its OK..."
"Why didn't you offer the seat to one of your workmates or family friends?"
"I would have done, but they're all at the funeral"
Bruce, a middle-aged Australian tourist, visits the red light district of Amsterdam and enters a large brothel. It's his first time in Europe.
The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!
Seeing this, the Madam sends a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!
The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!
Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams louder than the more...
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked, and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo... I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
What is the diffrence in French kissing and Australian kissing?
With French, you put your tongues in each other's mouth, but with Australian, your down under.