Bass Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" he said. "No need to panic," said a fellow bass player. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion, "Don't you see? more...

How can you tell if a bass player is really bad?
Even the section notices.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
The 1st week the father asked him what he had learned
The son said "On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string"
The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week
The son said "On my 2nd lesson I learned about the A string"
3rd week came by and the father said to his son "You know these are expensive lessons what have you learned this week"
The son said "I quit the lessons I already got a gig"

A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings.

Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying.

Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part."

"Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!"

All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few mo

ALTO, BASS, CONTRA BASS CLARINET: The Scud missiles of the clarinet family. Considered low-grade weapons, these clarinets are of limited lethality due to the extreme geekiness of their operators.

Dale Earnhart, Mark Martin and Gordon are all on a fishing trip. After a few hours and no bites, Dale jumps into the shallow water unzips and waves his jiggly worm around. Pow! A huge bass hits it and he walks to the bank, pokes it in the eye to make it release from his manhood, and holds up a 55 pound Bass. Mark takes a look and jumps in the water and waves his peter around in the water. Bam, another Bass! He walks to the shore and pokes the fish in the eye and picks up a 70 pound Bass. A little while passes and Dale looks at Jeff and says, "Aren't you going to give it a try?" Jeff replies, "No, I don't want to get poked in the eye!"

Q: Why is a double bass better than a violin?
A: The double bass burns longer.