Battle Jokes / Recent Jokes
Attempt To Spend 5 Years Working At Mcdonalds, And Not Get Promoted.
Ensure That Any Promotions You Do Get Are From Stepping On The Dead Bodies Of Your Co-Workers.
Needle Gun The Aluminum Siding On Your House After Your Neighbors Have Gone To Bed.
When Your Children Are In Bed, Run Into Their Room With A Megaphone, And Shout At The Top Of Your Lungs That Your Home Is Under Attack, And Order Them To Man Their Battle Stations. ("General Quarters, General Quarters, All Hands Man Your Battle Stations!")
Make Your Family Menu A Month Ahead Of Time And Do So Without Checking The Pantry And Refrigerator.
Post A Menu On The Refrigerator Door Informing Your Family That You Are Having Steak For Dinner. Then Make Them Wait In Line For At Least An Hour, When They Finally Get To The Kitchen, Tell Them That You Are Out Of Steak, But You Have Dried Ham Or Hot Dogs. Repeat Daily Until They Don't Pay Attention To The Menu Any More So more...
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle
first?”
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"
And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, however this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the more...
In the days where tall, wooden ships sailed the high seas, there was this one ship
sailing during a war. That morning, the lookout shouted, "enemy ship on the horizon."
The captain said to hisensign, "Get me my red shirt." The ensign, rather bewildered
from this odd request, did as his captain ordered. Thought the battle was a long one,
the captain and his crew managed to fend off the enemy ship.
Later that day, the lookout shouted, "two enemy ships on the horizon." As before,
the captain said to his ensign, "Get me my red shirt." And, as before, the ensign
did as his captain asked. The battle took the rest of the day to fight, and managed
to defeat the two enemy ships.
That evening, the ensign asked his captain, "Sir, Why, before every battle, do you
ask for your red shirt." The captain replied, "Well, if I am wounded in battle, the
blood will not show and the crew will more...
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.
The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.
When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight more...
During World War I, a German soldier on the eastern front expressed
his absolute certainty of victory. "Franz," he said, "we Germans are
pious people who pray to God on the eve of each battle. How can we
lose?"
Franz said, "I know that, Dietrich, but the Russians are pious,
too. They pray to God before each battle also."
Dietrich said, "Of course. But who understands Russian?"
Civil War Era Humor The following are supposedly true definitions, stories, and terms relating to the Civil War. BIGGEST MAN... The biggest man in the Union Army was Capt. David Van Buskirk of the 27th Indiana Regiment who stood 6 feet 11 inches and weighed 380 pounds. He was captured in 1862 and was sent to a Richmond Prison where a Confederate entrepreneur put him on exhibit. Even Confederate President Jeff Davis came to see him and was astounded when the impish Van Buskirk claimed that back home in Bloomington Indiana, "when I was at the train station with my company, my six sisters came to say goodbye. As I was standing there, with my company, they all came up to me, leaned down and kissed me on top of the head." LETTER HOME... A young soldier left home to join the army. He told his girl friend that he would write every day. After about six months, he received a letter from his girlfriend that she was marrying someone else. He wrote home to his family to find out who she more...