Battle Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: What is the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.
Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?
A. He talks about his business.
Q: What is an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.
Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
There are just three types of accountants:
Those who can count and those who can’t.
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?
A: Depreciation.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an more...

1. Enter the stall, shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next more...

1. Battle droids in a high tech galactic civilisation where FTL travel is common have targeting systems inferior to those on a F-15.

2. Actually, their targeting systems are inferior to a spastic eight year old with a slingshot.

3. After the Jedi Knights have proven they can deflect laser bolts with their light sabers, the battle droids never think to stop firing.

4. Rather than having integral weapons systems, battle droids are cleverly designed to carry weapons that can be picked up and used against them by their opponents.

5. In the Star Wars universe, "Palpatine" means "Clinton."

6. A Phantom Menace character's level of annoying goofiness is directly proportional to the number of action figures of said character Lucasfilms hopes to sell to small children.

7. The Planet Naboo has underwater Rastafarians, but not underwater ganja.

8. Darth Maul has a black robe, a black shirt, black more...

Texas makes me think of the old slogan' Remember the Alamo.' It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line. After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and. .. sued for Alamo knee.

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again "One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and more...

The following circulated among us MEN in the Army - just goes to show that we didn’t take ourselves TOO serious:
I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country’s representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation’s defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?
Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known. Frankly, I owe a lot to friendly historians.
In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks. I invaded Canada, and even that was a failure. My best general went over the the British. For a while there I didn’t know whether to shit or wind my watch, but the French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.
I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she’d be too busy with Napoleon to notice. I invaded Canada again and got beaten again. On my more...