Beneath Jokes / Recent Jokes

A beautiful lass was noticing a Scotsman in full regalia at a parade. Shy but curious, she approached him and asked, "Is it true, what they say about what Scotsman do not wear beneath their kilts?" The Scotsman replied, "Well, lass, you'll just have to take a wee peek and discover for yourself." She timidly lifted the hem and peered beneath. Immediately, she dropped it and said, "Aye, 'tis gruesome!" To which he replied, "Best look again, lass, I think it's grew some more!"

A patient suffering from a nasty cold visited Dr. D'costa and said, groaning, "Doctor, can you cure my terrible cold? It has made things hell for me for the last four or five days."
Having never read about any confirmed cure for common cold, the young, over-zealous doctor advised after much initial hesitation, "You may do one thing. Take a hot bath and stand beneath a fan."
"Stand beneath a fan!" perplexed by the strange instruction, the patient asked, "Will your method cure me, doctor?"
"I can't say so for sure," replied Dr. D'costa, with his spectacles resting on his nose, "but if you do as directed, you are certain to get pneumonia which I can cure for sure!"

Lyrics to an old folk song, recently requested:

The Scottsman

Well a Scottsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share
He fumbled' round until he could no longer keep his feet
And he stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
Ring dye didley eye oh
He stumbled off in to the grass to sleep beside the street

About the thime two young and lovely girls just happened by
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye
"See yon sleeping Scottsman, so strong a handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt"

Ring-ding didle lidle la deo
Ring dye didley eye oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on the sleeping Scottsman quiet as could be
They lifted up his kilt about an inch so they more...

Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994

1. Introduction

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. Food

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...

Mr. Starr:
I am Starr, Star I are.
I'm a brilliant barri-star.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see,
Did you grope Miss Lew-in-ski?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?
Mr. Clinton:
I did not do that here or there!
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join - even for fun -
The Mile High Club in Air Force One.
So stow your feathers and your tar.
I did not do her, Starr you are!
Mr. Starr:
Did you smile? Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie
When called upon to testify?
Mr. Clinton:
That is it; you've gone too far!
I do not like you, Starr you are!
I will not answer any more;
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on more...

A young woman, several months pregnant, boarded a bus and sat opposite a young man, he smiled, and feeling embarrassed she changed her seat. But it was to no avail, for the young man smiled even more broadly when she sat down. Again she moved to another seat, he grinned and again after the fourth move, the young man just rolled up and roared with laughter. The woman complained and duly summoned him.
Judge: Well, young man, have you anything to say in your defense against this charge?
The young man: Well, your Honor, when the young lady entered the bus, her condition was obvious. However, that did not prompt my smile, but she sat under an advertisement that read: "Coming shortly - The Gold Rush Twins." The lady seemed indignant when I smiled and she got up and took another seat beneath a shaving stick advertisement, which read: "William's stick did the trick." She moved a third time and sat beneath a poster that read: "Sloane's liniments will remove more...

STARR I ARE - a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see -
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there-
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far -
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?
I do not like you
Starr-You-Are -
I think that you
Have gone too far.
I will not answer
Any more -
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract -
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!