Bizarre Jokes

This is supposed to be a true story. don't ask me if it really is.

1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in
San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the
story.

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent
had
jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
(he
left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth
floor, his
life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed
him
instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety
net
had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window
washers and
that Opus would not have more...

Bizarre news
It's no wonder President Clinton is in so much trouble, according to Executive Mystic Barrie Dolnick. Just look at Bill's astrological chart. Dolnick insists that a "career crisis" is in the stars, and predicts a "slight possibility" of impeachment. Fortunately, says Dolnick, Clinton can ward off these negative influences by "smudging his office with sage after hours, sprinkling sea salt along the doorway, and wearing red or silk undershirts for his protection..."
Or he could try a more drastic approach: a Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was "frustrated" that his wife refused to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both his testicles and "put them on a table." After careful consideration, Varels "grabbed them" and went to a health center to have them reattached...
On a sad note, the Psychic Friends Network filed bankruptcy in Baltimore this week. more...

It's no wonder President Clinton is in so much trouble, according to Executive Mystic Barrie Dolnick. Just look at Bill's astrological chart. Dolnick insists that a "career crisis" is in the stars, and predicts a "slight possibility" of impeachment. Fortunately, says Dolnick, Clinton can ward off these negative influences by "smudging his office with sage after hours, sprinkling sea salt along the doorway, and wearing red or silk undershirts for his protection..."
Or he could try a more drastic approach: a Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was "frustrated" that his wife refused to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both his testicles and "put them on a table." After careful consideration, Varels "grabbed them" and went to a health center to have them reattached...
On a sad note, the Psychic Friends Network filed bankruptcy in Baltimore this week. According to court more...

After a bizarre cliff side accident, all eleven members of the women's outing found themselves hanging perilously from a rope over the edge of the cliff. Ten of the women were blondes and one was a brunette. After dangling there for a only a short while it became obvious that the rope would not hold all their collective weight. They decided that to prevent the rope snapping and killing them all, one of them must sacrifice themselves and let go, to save the others.
Well they talked about it for a while but no-one could decide a fair way of of choosing who should jump. Finally, the brunette, exasperated by the indecisiveness of the blondes, could see that if nobody acted soon the rope was going to snap.
To save the others she bravely decided that it must be her who made the sacrifice. She plucked up a little courage and told the others that she would jump to save them.
After giving a short but very moving speech that she hoped would be remembered after she'd gone, the more...

One Side of a Phone Call between James Bond and a Former Sexual Partner
Hallo? Is this Giganta? Giganta Loins?
Oh, grand! It''s Bond.
James Bond? O07?
Shaken not stirred? Tuxedo? The trunk-sized jet pack? We had a run in with an Austrian terrorist with the overdeveloped reptilian brain and a predilection for man-eating octopi launching bazookas?
Well, contacting you took quite a bit of doing actually. You see, first I tried Giganta Loins. I must have looked in every phone directory that MI-6 could hack into. Then I figured out that Giganta might be a code name. I mean, who has the name Giganta Loins? Rather silly, when you think about it.
Yes, yes I suppose you do like it. Anyway, I recalled that I kept one of your garments – your knickers actually. And there it was. Honey Rider is a much prettier and commonplace name. You should use that.
Ah, yes. The, uh... point. Well, it seems that... well, there''s no delicate way to put this. I have a rather nasty more...