Bloke Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three men (an Aussie, an Irish bloke and a German fella) are in an old plane trying to make it around the world. As they pass Germany, the German fella yells, "I love my country!" and throws a bag of gold overboard.
When they pass Ireland, the Irish bloke shouts, "I love my country!" and throws a bag of silver overboard.
When they pass Australia, the Aussie yells, "I hate my country!" and he throws a bomb overboard.
They finished their flight soon thereafter. When the German gets back to his country, he walks along happily until he sees a small boy crying. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Can I help?"
The little boy cries, "A bag of gold hit my mother on the head, and now she's unconscious in the hospital." The German walks away, feeling sorry for the little fella.
When the Irish bloke gets to his country, he sees a little girl crying in the street, and he asks her what's wrong. The little girl replies, "My more...
A couple walks into a bar: The man goes of to the bog and leaves the women standing at the bar. A bloke goes up to the women and says, "I really really want to squeeze you tit''s. Will you let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "How dare you, get away from me, you sicko!"
The bloke then says, "Oh you have a lovely arse can I rub it, please let me?"
The lady turns around and says, "Look you pervert get away from me! I''ll get my boyfriend to beat you up if you don''t piss off!"
The bloke takes no notice and continues to the woman, "I want to tip you upside down and fill you up with beer and down it in one big gulp."
"RIGHT... THAT IS IT" shouts the woman.
Just then her boyfriend comes out from the bog and says, "Whaz goin'' on here?!?"
The woman says all hysterically, "That bloke over there said he wants to squeeze my more...
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me `Can you give me a lift?` I said "Sure, you look great, the world`s your oyster, go for it."
Great things about being a bloke!!!
* Understanding football (any football!)
* A five day holiday requires one overnight bag
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
* Queues for the bathroom don't exist
* You can open all your own jars
* When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying
* All your orgasms are real
* You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around
* You can go to the bathroom without a support group
* When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
* You never have to clean a toilet
* You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
* You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week
* Sex means never worrying about your reputation
* Wedding plans take care of themselves
* If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that more...
Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!" "Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts." "So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar. "What the hell went on in there?!" he demands." I told you," explained the drinker." No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman." That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."
A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "For fuck's sake!" the bloke cried, "what the hell's going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke's wanking himself off in the bar!" "Fair dinkum, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep"
A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".