Bonds Jokes / Recent Jokes

Reportedly heard on the Financial News Network yesterday.
New issue bonds by the government just came out:
Dole BondNo interest
Clinton BondNo principal
Gingrich BondNo maturity
Forbes BondNo taxes (for qualifying investors)
Buchanon BondOnly Americans can collect (foreign investors welcome)
Heidi Fleiss BondGuaranteed high interest until withdrawal but substantial penalty for early withdrawal

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!
Why don't men eat more M & M's?
They are too hard to peel!
What do you call a man with an I. Q. of 50?
Gifted!
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature!
Why are blond jokes so short?
So men can remember them!
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up!
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What's a man's idea of housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E. T.?
E. T. phoned home!
What did God say after he created man?
I can do better than this!
What does a man consider a seven more...

What is the difference between blondes and government bonds?
Bonds mature blondes don't.

Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a non-lazy man (who helps out around the house), and a lazy man are about to jump off a bridge into water. Who makes the biggest splash?
A: The lazy man. The other 3 don't exist.
Q: Why don't men do laundry?
A: Because the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!
Q: Why do men have a hole at the end of their penis?
A: So they can think open-mindedly.
Q: What's a man's idea of protected sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: What do you call a woman that works like a man?
A: A Lazy bitch.
Q: Why did God create men?
A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Q: Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
A: So men can tell if they are coming or going.
Q: How are men like parking spaces?
A: he good ones are always taken and all that is left are handicapped
Q: What do you call a man with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Gifted
Q: What's the difference between a man and a cow?
A: One brain more...

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality.Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive.Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One.Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other? A: "Hi. I'm better than you."Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!

Rumors around Hollywood are speculating on a movie version of Game of Shadows. Due to Barry Bonds’ change in size over the years, multiple actors will have to play the slugger. Michael Clarke Duncan will appear as the current Bonds, while a younger Barry Bonds will be played by Dave Chappelle. Bonds five years from now will be played by one of the statues from Easter Island.

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Fifty. One to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better. Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive. Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. The best recording of the Haydn Trumpet Concerto is Music Minus One. Q: How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other? A: "Hi. I'm better than you."Q: How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? A: The doorbell shrieks!