Bumper Jokes / Recent Jokes
TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD
1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. more...
TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.14. Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home19. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha20. This Would Be more...
I have a friend who became tired of reading the "Don't blame me, I voted for Bush" bumperstickers. This was his response.
As many of you can attest, I don't feel my day is complete unless I offend as many ultra conservative politically right wing religious zealots as I can.
Accordingly, I have attached a picture frame device to the rear window of my truck.
It holds an 8-1/2 x 11 "bumper sticker" I print out in 100-point type on my laser printer.
Here are some of the ones I've used so far that really seem to annoy our local rednecks:
Don't Blame Me... I *never* voted for Bush
Stop Subsidizing Millionaires... No More Tax Money for Pro Football!
Judaism... Good Enough for Jesus, Good Enough for Me
Jesus is OK, Falwell and Robertson are NOT
Bob Dole & Phil Gramm: The Original Whine Boys
Abortion is Not Murder, But Shooting a Doctor is
Reagan Was Wrong.. About Everything!
Florida... A Right to Work for Less more...
Stupid people LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper. IN THE BAG A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag. MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail. more...
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the more...
Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people - many of whom use their stupidity for personal gain. From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men and women - ooops, "women and men" - we present the highest possible honor: entry into the "Stupid-." Following are their accounts .. Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was more...
Cool Bumper Stickers
-A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
-Horn broken, watch for finger.
-My kid had sex with your honor student.
-If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
-I. R. S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
-Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
-I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
-Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. -Keep honking, I'm reloading.
-Hang up and drive.
-Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
-Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
-If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
-I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers.
-I'm as confused as a baby in a topless more...