Burglar Jokes / Recent Jokes

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it.

Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you".

He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".
He spots some $ on a table and takes it...... Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you".

He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?".

It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?".

It says "MOSES".

The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??"

The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".

The judge was very stern with the woman.
"You are the wife of this man," he said severely. "You knew he was a burglar when you married him?"
"Yes," she replied. "I wasn't getting any younger, and I had tochoose between a burglar and a lawyer."

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture. The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. "What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture. The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked. "Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!"

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!"The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this.One of them asked the lady, "How did you do this?"The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."The cop turned the burglar, "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's."

A burglar alarm goes off in the middle of the night, and the police arrived just in time to collar the burglar as he was leaving the premises with a big bag full of loot. Soon, he was in court, facing a grim-looking judge."Did you have an accomplice?" asked the judge."What's an accomplice?" replied the crook."A partner. In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?""What else?" demanded the culprit. "Who can get reliable help these days?"

When she returned home from an evening church service, an elderly woman was startled by an intruder.
Catching the intruder in the act of robbing her home of her possessions, she yelled out, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (..Repent and be baptised..)
He stopped dead in his tracks, at which time the woman calmly called the police and advised them of the situation.
An officer immediately arrived at her home, cuffed the burglar and asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a Bible Scripture at you."
"Bible Scripture?" the burglar replied. "Hell, I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

Knock Knock Who's there! Burglar! Burglar who? Burglars don't knock!