Butter Jokes / Recent Jokes

ACCOUNTANTS - Lose their balance.
ACTORS - Drop a part.
ACTUARIES - Get broken down by age and sex.
ARCHERS - Bow and quiver.
BANKERS - Lose interest.
BASEBALL PLAYERS - Get pitched.
BASKETBALL players - Go on dribbling.
BEEKEEPERS - Buzz off.
BLONDES - Dye away.
BOOKKEEPERS - Lose their figures.
BOTANISTS - Wither away.
BOWLERS - End up in the gutter.
CARDIAC SURGEONS - Get bypassed.
CHAUFFEURS - Lose their drive.
CHICKENS - Get fried.
CLEANING PEOPLE - Kick the bucket.
CLOTHIERS - Lose their shirts.
COMPUTER USERS - Lose their memory.
COOKS - Get deranged.
COWS - Kick the bucket.
DAIRYMEN - Get butter and butter.
DAREDEVILS - Get discouraged.
DEANS - Lose their faculties.
DOCTORS - Lose their patients.
EGYPTIAN TOURISTS - Go senile.
ELECTRICIANS - Lose contact.
ENGINEERS - Lose their bearings.
EXTERMINATORS - Bug out.
FARMERS - Go to seed.

Optional M.O.M. technology automatically yells at you to "Go outside and get some fresh air" for every hour of game play.
Built-in catheter helps extend those marathon DOOM sessions!
Makes you feel really cool for a couple of weeks, with nearly twice as many "I'll be your best friend" offers!
Broadband access enables joystick to double as a SCUD missile launcher.
You can play it naked!
Razzes you about how your country still can't even manufacture a decent television set.
Panic button switches the screen to porn whenever your wife walks in the room, so she won't think you're a game geek.
Timer automatically counts down to exact moment of obsolescence.
Groundbreaking, truly interactive technology allows you to use your own penis, or that of a friend, as a joystick.
New "Campaign 2000" edition has an Al Gore that's 33% more lifelike than the original, a George W. Bush with realistic SnortSurround sound, and a Ralph Nader more...

In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, I subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

Exposure:

A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell.
Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this potential source of substance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however, retained its advertised "creaminess."

Radiation

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the
approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 more...

Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.

Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one)
pound. (See line 4.)
Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse
had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case
dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey.
Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose
the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa
Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3
tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution.
For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional
butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in
final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion,
see Form 551.
Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local
government employee, more...

Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, "Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly ill and die."Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, "That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?" Ralph replies, "I almost hit the pussy willows."

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day. Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?! Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"Then POOF!... she was gone. After Fred got a more...