Buying Jokes / Recent Jokes
A spokesperson for Microsoft said there is no interest at all in buying Yahoo. Microsoft Word now recognizes the term "buying Yahoo" as a synonym for "fixing Vista".
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the first place, you fat barstools.
4. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
5. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
6. Don't buy expensive' ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip handful of frozen peas more...
An older retired N.Y. jewish merchant goes to the Doctor. He complains he's tired and sluggish. The Doctor suggests he goes down to Florida for some relaxation.
The man takes the advice. After a few days he is bored and goes to the hotel lobby to pass some time. A woman sits next to him and says, "pst, hey you buying?" He says, "you selling?" She winks and they go back to his room for a little "tryst".
A few days later he returns to N.Y. and now feels even more sluggish and tired. He goes back to the doctor for another checkup and the Doctor informs him he had contracted a form of sypholis. He needs rest and suggests he return to Florida.
He went back and rested up. One night he went back to the lobby and there was that woman again. She sits next to him and again he hears "pst.. you buying?" & he responds "Vhat you selling now cancer?"
Alimony:1) A contraction of the term "all-his-money".2) A splitting headache.3) It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.4) Paying for something you don't get.5) That's the same as buying corn for somebody else's cow.6) The high cost of leaving.7) The last laugh.8) The wife cries and the judge wipes her tears with the husband's checkbook.9) Buying oats for a runaway horse.10) A woman's cash surrender value.11) The billing minus the cooing.Divorce: When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.Experience: What a man gets in exchange for alimony.Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.What is the definition of a faithful husband? One who's alimony checks arrive on time.He is so rich, he is ahead in his alimony payments.
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the storelaughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there'sno law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, andonce again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest ofthe pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow himto see where he goes."Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, startscracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow theguy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store."Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
Scientists Discover Previously Unknown Holidays
by S.J.Zeve at Hacker Times December 16, 1985
Researchers at the Hacker Institute have discovered a previously unknown pair of holidays similar in nature to All Saints Day and Halloween. Researchers claim that these holidays have been missed in the past due to their rather specialized natures and a non-religious orientation.
Adding to the confusion is the fact that the holidays seem, in many respects, to be fairly young in age and so not quite settled properly into calendar slots as are such older and more staid holidays as Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, Easter, Purim, Hannukah, and so forth. Indeed these two new holidays not only float around within the calendar from year to year on every currently known calendar system, but they are even known to shift position depending on where in the world you are celebrating them. For example, in the USA they might be celebrated in June while in Argentina they get celebrated in more...
One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender’s curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says, “Please don’t get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn’t help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I’ve ever seen. In fact, you’re quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you’re dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it’s not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about? ” The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, “I haven’t the foggiest idea. ” One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with more...