Cafeteria Jokes

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

BACKUP - What you do when you run over a coon in the woods BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern BUG - The reason you give for calling out sick CACHE - Neede when you run out of food stamps CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker CRASH - When you go to Juniors party univited DIGITAL - The art of countining on you fingers DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer FAX - What you lie about to the IRS HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put ther hair KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie lives ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test ROM - Where the pope lives INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put ther hair KEYBOARD - Where you more...

These are actual signs found around the world...
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A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?
At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.
At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.
At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.
At an Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
At an optometrist's more...

HERE ARE SOME LANGUAGE WARPS

"I dislike your insinuendoes!"
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."
"Candidly, I cannot answer that. The question is too suppository."
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."
"To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."
"I'd hate to confuse myself with the facts."
"Family planning has many misconceptions."

Many of us would be delighted to pay as we go. .. if we could only catch up from paying as we've already gone.

Personals Ad: "Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money.

If you're not one of my creditors, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was more...

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: “Get a `long` little doggie! ”
Sign in a cafeteria: “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want. ”
Sign on a music library’s door: “Bach in a minuet. ”
Sign in a restaurant window: “T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath: With meat $12?
A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: “Today’s special. Below it says: So’s tomorrow. ”
Sign on restaurant window: “Great food (50, 000 flies can’t be wrong). ”
Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll wait. ”
Sign in a Maine restaurant: “Open 7 days a week and weekends. ”
Sign in school: “In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended. ”