Carpet Jokes / Recent Jokes

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a residence, and was just about done for the day. He
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.He went back in to look for them, and noticed in the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the woman who owned the house came in. "Here," she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. "I found these in the hallway.""Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet!"

A carpet-layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost hiscigarettes.In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "Nosense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," hesaid to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer andflattened the hump.As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway.""Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet. "

Jean-Claude and Michelle are a couple living in France. One day, Jean- Claude comes home from work and Michelle says: "Jean-Claude, today ze light-bulb, it has gone out. You must fix it for me." "What am I? Electricien?" The next day, Jean-Claude comes home from work and Michelle says: "Jean-Claude, today ze carpet eet eez dirty, you must beat eet for me." "What am I? Carpet-beater?" The very next day, Jean-Claude comes home from work and Michele says: "Oh, Jean-Claude, today your friend Pierre came over. He changed ze light-bulb and he beat ze carpet for me." Jean-Claude seemed angry: "Oh, but I know zis Pierre. He never does anysing for nossing. What did he want?" "He gave me 2 choices: he said I can bake him a cake or... sleep wiss heem." "Which one did you choose?" "What am I? Baker?"

Some churches are more fun than others.
Believe it or not, these actually appeared in various church bulletins:
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both
ends.
2. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, come early.
3. Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr.
Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by
the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the little
mothers club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers
please meet with the pastor in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to
come forward and lay an egg at the alter.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water".
One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the
congregation will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to more...

Some churches are more fun than others. Believe it or not, these
actually appeared in various church bulletins:
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends
of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
giving milk, come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy society will meet. Mr. Johnson will
sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the little mothers
club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the
pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward
and lay an egg at the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join
in.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new more...

"Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton":

Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well more...