Casino Jokes / Recent Jokes

A fire today closed the Las Vegas Monte Carlo hotel and casino.

Seventeen people were injured in the blaze but no O.J. Simpson memorabilia were damaged.

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ”I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely naked. ” With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ”Come on baby, momma needs new clothes! ” She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ”YES, I WIN! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!! ” With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ”What the hell did she roll anyway? ” The second dealer answered, ”I thought you were paying attention! ”

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES!
I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the more...

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said,' 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling' 'Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling' 'YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other,' 'What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered,' 'I thought you were paying attention!''

The following story was reported some years ago in the Las Vegas Sun:

A man approached the cashiers' cage at Binion's Horseshoe in downtown Las Vegas, pulled a shotgun and was given an amount of cash. (Note that casino cages are located at the rear of the casino to discourage such activities.)

The man tucked his shotgun under a trench coat and started to walk casually out of the casino. He was immediately surrounded by casino guards who walked with him so as not to cause a scene.

Evaluating his situation, the man entered the casino and sat down at a card game in progress. He remained seated there for several hands, still surrounded by security personnel. The game continued uninterrupted.

Finally, perhaps with the thought of creating escape-aiding confusion, the man upended the table sending cards and chips flying. He was immediately set upon by the card players who had to be restrained by the security guards from killing the more...

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to more...