Celery Jokes

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst.They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

Martha Stewart vs Me...
Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh more...

Martha's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Woman's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Woman's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too more...

Martha Stewart vs Me...

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Martha's more...

This recipe has been around for many years in many fashions but in
recent years for some reason has fallen out of favor. Here we
shall return to a true classic dish of alternative fine dining.
The list of ingredients is as follows:
1 reindeer, appx. 125-175 lbs., skinned, dressed (though not in a
tux; ha, ha) and head mounted if you so desire.
6-9 Christmas elves cleaned and finely diced, appx. 8 lbs. useable
weight.
8 lbs. celery, finely chopped.
8 lbs. onions, finely chopped.
8 lbs. carrots, finely diced.
1 gallon vodka (to numb the elves before you peel them and dice
them).
32 lbs. dry bread crumbs.
3 gallons chicken stock.
salt, pepper, to taste.
Fresh garlic, 1-6 lbs. as you desire.
3-4 gallons of olive oil for basting the roasting reindeer.

Preparation:
Saute the onions, carrots, and celery in a large pan, using some
olive oil, until tender.
Brown the diced elves in the more...