Centipede Jokes / Recent Jokes

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles more...

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half...
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP! Tackled for a five yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
"Who made that tackle?" asked the ant.
"I did," said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP! Tackled for another five yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?"
The more...

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did" said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach. "Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

A guy goes to the pet store and asks for a cheap pet that he can take anywhere. The store owner tells him he happened to be lucky, because he had a talking centipede he could sell him for a good price. The guy buys the centipede and names him Frank.That night, the guy decides to go to the bar and wants to take Frank with him. "Frank! You wanna go to the bar?" No response. "Frank! You wanna go to the bar?" Still, nothing. One last time he tries; "Frank, I'm leaving without you!" Then he hears a tiny voice, "Just a damn minute, I'm putting my shoes on!"

A man goes into a pet shop looking for an exotic pet. The owner tells the man, "we have iguanas...". The Man says, "No, I am looking for something really different. Everyone has iguanas, snakes, fish, and spiders!" The owner of the shop then tells the man that he has a talking centipede. The man gets excited; and says, "I'll take it!"
On the way home, the man tries to make small talk with the centipede; but he gets no response. He just figures the thing is shy. Once they get home, the man has an idea; and asks the centipede if he wants to go to the bar with him. No response. He gets agitated and taps the centipede's box pretty hard. "I said; Do you want to go to the bar with me?!?!"
After a couple of seconds, the centipede yells, "Hold on! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!!!"