Chapter Jokes / Recent Jokes

Chapter 1: Buy a Corvette (and since you're Asian, hire a driver)
Chapter 2: Keep a collection of Dave Matthews CD's on hand
Chapter 3: Act really interested in her ratty notebook full of poems
Chapter 4: Lose every argument
Chapter 5: Practice sleeping on athe very edge of the bed
Chapter 6: Win the lottery
Chapter 7: Make sure your bed has about 20 pillows for no real reason
Chapter 8: Develop an appreciation for rearranging furniture
Chapter 9: Buy lots of tupperware, candles, and other products from her imaginary store

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''. On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.'' Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''

Chapter 2: Are You Funny? No!
I know I can teach you comedy. Why? Because I have won several comedy competitions sponsored by many notable brands of beer and malt liquor. Oh sure, you could buy someone else's comedy book, thereby verifying that you are gay and an arsonist as I have long suspected, but wouldn't you rather learn from the voice of experience? I'm talking about the experience that comes from winning a Bacardi T-shirt by telling a joke about your dick that is so funny, Bacardi is considering putting a picture of it on the labels of its many fine beverages! Enough of that, though! We'll learn more about my dick in Chapter 8: The Pride of New Jersey!
First, let's find out if you're funny. Actually, we both know you aren't funny. Otherwise, why would you buy a book on how to be funny? It's because you're a dumb shit, that's why. Thanks for the upwards of 15 bucks, dumb shit-for-brains! Hopefully, though, you're funnier than my mom, who doesn't understand my jokes more...

Great news! Kurt Metzger has begun writing a How-To book about standup comedy! It's called "How To Do Comedy!" by Kurt Metzger. It is almost entirely lifted from the shitty book by Judy Carter about standup, except I made it better!
Here is an excerpt! Enjoy!
Chapter 1
P. 1- Intro.
Do you think you are funny? Are people constantly laughing and pointing at your many handicaps? Do people wet their pants when you say things, or sometimes laugh so hard that they wet your pants? Do you dream of having your own sitcom about your hilarious times growing up as a fat Italian even though you are black? Do you have what it takes to pay me upwards of 15 American dollars for a book about standup comedy? If the answer is yes, then you, sir, may have the dedication and substance abuse problem it takes to become a working, standup comic! If you do, read on, but only if you are indeed a sir and not a ma'am, as women are not funny. (More on this topic in Chapter 3: Women are more...

A pastor is ending up his sermon one Sunday morning when he says, "Ok, now next week I am going to preach a sermon on lying. I want you all to read Mark chapter 17."
The next Sunday the pastor begins his sermon:
"Ok I hope we all had a good weekend. Now, let me see. Who all read Mark chapter 17?"
He waited a few minuets as he watched the entire congregation raise their hands.
"Well, since Mark only has 16 chapters, let me begin my sermon on lying!"

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest.
A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."
So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.
"Chapter 1 The First Date."
So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her.
She answers, "Hello?"
He says, "Hi, Mona? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."
He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"
She replies, "Sure, more...