Code Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had' fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. "Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has more...

There was an old priest who had grown sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
The parishioners liked the old priest so much, they came up with a code word. When someone had committed adultery, they would instead say that they had 'fallen'.
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until he passed away at a ripe, old age. Several days after the new priest arrived, he visited the town's mayor and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor," the priest said, "something must be done about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me that they have fallen."
The mayor began to laugh, realizing that no one had thought to tell the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor had a chance to explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and said, "I more...

A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer.

"Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy."

"Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy."

"Aha," thought the agent, "here's my man." So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining...the grass is growing...the cows are ready for milking."

"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction."

A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds.
Code Word: 40-ish
Really Means: 48
Code Word: Adventurous
Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will
Code Word: Affectionate
Really Means: Possessive
Code Word: Artist
Really Means: Unreliable
Code Word: Athletic
Really Means: Flat chested
Code Word: Average looking
Really Means: Ugly
Code Word: Beautiful
Really Means: Pathological liar
Code Word: Commitment-minded
Really Means: Pick out curtains, now!
Code Word: Communication important
Really Means: Just try to get a word in edge-wise
Code Word: Contagious Smile
Really Means: Bring your penicillin
Code Word: Educated
Really Means: College dropout
Code Word: Emotionally Secure
Really Means: Medicated
Code Word: Employed
Really Means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Code Word: Enjoys art and opera
Really Means: Snob
Code more...

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.

Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine, another to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify earning such swingeing fees...

Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take. ...
A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks more...

God's Human DNA CodeFor many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that verylittle of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. I have solved the mystery. The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that therest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin asfollows: ===/* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy - * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements - skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * more...

Boys
1. Drive to the bank, park and go to the Cash Dispenser.
2. Insert card
3. Dial code and desired amount
4. Take the cash, the card and the slip
Girls
1. Drive to the bank
2. Engine stalled
3. Check make-up in the mirror
4. Apply perfume
5. Manually check haircut
6. Park the car - failure
7. Park the car - failure
8. Park the car - Success
9. Search for the card in the handbag
10. Insert card, rejected by the machine
11. Throw phone card back in handbag,
12. Look for bank card.
13. Insert Card
14. Look for Secret Box (where secret code is written)in Handbag
15. Enter code
16. Study instructions for 2 minutes
17. Cancel
18. Re-enter code
19. Cancel
20. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct the code
21. Enter desired amount
22. Error
23. Enter bigger amount
24. Error
25. Enter maximum amount
26. Cross fingers
27. Take more...