Code Jokes / Recent Jokes
Time Sheets To all staff: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time". In this company unproductive time isn't a problem. What is a problem,however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.
Thank you.
The Management
Attached: Extended Job Code List Code number Explanation ---------- ----------- 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 more...
THE COWBOY CODE
1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon.
2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence.
3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet.
4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt.
5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover.
6. A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it.
7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go more...
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia. If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding the commands. The West Virginia edtion may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver. Also note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Other features:
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes D shore
no = more...
The Numbers of the Beast OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast. But did you know that: 660 - Approximate number of the BeastDCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast666. 0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast0. 666 - Number of the Millibeast/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator666 ^ (-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast1010011010 - Binary of the Beast6, uh... what was that number again? - Number of the Blonde Beast1-666 - Area code of the Beast00666 - Zip code of the Beast1-900-666-0666: - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6. 66/minute. Over 18 only please.$665. 95 - Retail price of the Beast$699. 25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax$769. 95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul$656. 66 - Walmart price of the Beast$646. 66 - Next week's Walmart price of the BeastPhillips 666 - Gasoline of the BeastRoute 666 - Way of the Beast666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast666k - Retirement plan of the Beast666 mg - Recommended Minimum more...
Top 20 Things You Won't Hear a Programmer Saying
Oh, sorry. My mistake. I will fix my programming error right away.
IF (what_he_say$=interesting$) THEN BEGIN SET heck:=frozen_over; SET pigs:=airborne; SET me:=Queen_of_Sheba;
GOTO the_top_of_our_stairs; END
So, I met this girl at a club last night...
I think this program should do just what the customer wants, not what we think is "kewl".
I finished the code two weeks ago, I'd just like a little more time to polish the documentation.
Before I start coding, I should find out exactly what this program is supposed to do.
At some point, we have to count on the intelligence of the user.
Microsoft makes all the best programs.
I got into programming so that I could interact with other people. And I really love doing documentation.
My girlfriend said...
Hmmm... needs more testing.
I-I-I t-t-h-h-i-n-n-k-k I-I-'ve h-h-ha-a-d e-e-n-n-ou-gh c-c-c-a-a-f-f-i-i-n-n-e-e n-n-o-o-w.
I've more...
There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times more...
To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn't a problem.
What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code List
Code Number Explanation
---
5316 Useless Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of more...