Constantly Jokes / Recent Jokes

How to identify where a driver is from...One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New YorkOne hand on wheel, one finger out window: ChicagoOne hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BostonOne hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ItalyOne hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: SeattleOne hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city maleOne hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the more...

16. Even though you're all seniors, she insists on having "Show' n' Tell," just so she can show everyone that tattoo on her ass again.

15. If you're late you have to sit up front for a special lap dance.

14. Finishes introducing himself by saying, "... and if I'd have known she was a statue, I wouldn't have gone anywhere near her!"

13. Every morning the "current events discussion" has the same topic: those panty-waist losers he served with in' Nam.

12. Attempting to be cool, she says her college roommate was Lilith Fair.

11. For the 182nd consecutive day: The Zapruder Film

10. New haircut -- check. Fresh clean blackboard -- check. Puddle under desk -- uh, oh.

9. She insists that a 36-year-old teacher actually had a baby with a 13-year-old student.

8. Refusing to admit summers over, sits on lawn chair at the front of the room and screams for the cabana boy to bring more...

Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough. "The next person who interrupts the proceeding will be thrown out of my court!" he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, "Hooray!"

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Congressional Virus v 2.0: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Tipper Gore Virus: When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer more...

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Congressional Virus v
2.0: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Tipper Gore Virus: When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer more...

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:Congressional Virus v2.0: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.Tipper Gore Virus: When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.Government Ecomomist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.Warren Commission Virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.David Duke Virus: Makes your screen go completely white.Pat Buchanan Virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.Texas Virus: Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.Adam And Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.Warren Beatty Virus: Constantly tries to prove it's virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in more...

What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss??? A kidney dialysis machine!