Consulting Jokes / Recent Jokes

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A GUY

Pity us men.........

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a more...

OPERATIONAL EXCELLENCE? Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have competitive boat race on the Bear River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.The Japanese won by a mile! Afterwards the American Team became very discouraged by the losses and morale began to sag. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A The "Continuous Improvement Team" was established to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.THEIR CONCLUSION: The problem was that the Japanese Team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American Team had one person rowing and eight people steering.The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that too many more...

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
Colonel Sanders:
Damn, I missed one!
Anderson Consulting:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market.
Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.

Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with more...

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive rowing race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day they both felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile! Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action. The consultants' finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing (Working) and eight people steering (Freeloading ). After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. (i. e., US Government! !!) So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's structure was complete reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three more...

Former US Sen. Larry Craig has opened a consulting firm. Offices will be opened in most US airport bathrooms.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING;
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to more...

After about 15 years of cold war between the Russians and the Chinese, Breznev finally decided to break the ice and offered to visit China then under Mao Tse Tung. After a red carpet reception they finally sat down to discuss business across the table (so to say). Here's how the conversation went. Breznev: Well as an offer of friendship I'll offer you some commodities you may need.
Mao: Thank you Mr. Brenev, we will accept your offer.
Breznev: What do you request then?
Mao: To begin with we would like a billion $ in hard currency.
Breznev: (after quickly consulting with his advisors) so be it
Mao: A million ton of steel
Breznev: O. k.
Mao: A million ton of potatoes.
Breznev: (a little surprised) o. k.
Mao: Two million tons of rice
Breznev: (After consulting his advisors) No, I'm quite sorry that is not possible!
Mao: (rather surprised by the emphatic No) Why not?
Breznev: (In a condescending tone) They don't grow rice in more...