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I don't know if you saw Oprah a few days ago, but the winners of the "Young People Write an Essay About the Holocaust Contest" were announced. Fifty young people from around the country were selected to appear on Oprah's show and read portions of their essays, then watch Oprah cry with a real-life Holocaust survivor. Why do I think the contest was rigged? It's because my essay was not chosen, even though I am a young person and, like Oprah, I totally believe in angels.

Luckily, I have a forum for my essay (Which my angels helped me write, by the way.) on Daily Comedy. Here it is. I think that after reading it you will agree that my holocaust essay's not being chosen is the biggest travesty in history since the holocaust.
Oprah is Better Than Hitler
An Essay by Kurt Metzger and Angels

Hi, my name is Kurt and I hate the holocaust. It was totally not cool. If I ever had the chance to meet Hitler, I would tell him that he is a jerk and his mustache did more...

There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn’t afford to feed it. He’d never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50, 000.
All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He’s carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,
000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.
He’d never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, “no. ” Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50, 000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the more...

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.
One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."
Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said,
"give him more...

These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:
Grand Prize Winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always
lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of
a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat
array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Runners-up:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an
infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This
pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must
yawn to even it out.
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because more...

DETROIT--With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday.

The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company's cars next year.

"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl or a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."

Though it does not officially begin until January, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.

"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself,' Oh, boy, this could be it--I could be a big more...

A U.S. sheriff opened an investigation Wednesday into the death of a 28-year-old woman who died after taking part in a California radio contest in which contestants had to drink as much water as possible.
Sacramento station KDND-FM has fired 10 staff members over Friday's competition, called "Hold your wee for a Wii," in which about 20 people tried to out-drink each other without going to the toilet to win a Nintendo Wii games console. The station has announced cancellations of their upcoming "Lock yourself in a box for an Xbox", "Overdose on PCP for a PSP" and "Get Kicked in the Balls for an Etch-a-Sketch" competitions.

A Contest is held for making a donkey laugh.
One man goes at it, nothing comes out, the donkey just stares at him.
Another man goes in, same effect.
After hundreds of people failing, one man goes in and the donkey is on the floor laughing his ass off.
"How do you do it?" the crowd asks?
"its a secret answered the man"
Another day theres a similar contest but this time to make a donkey cry.
After everybody failed on succeeding again, the same man went in and in minutes the donkey is crying, "how did you do it?" impatiently asks the crowd.
"well", says the man "the first time i told the donkey that my balls were bigger than his, he laughed...the second time i prooved it!"