"Bad Science Contest" joke

These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:
Grand Prize Winner:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always
lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of
a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat
array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Runners-up:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an
infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will
eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This
pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must
yawn to even it out.
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and
therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate
of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees
may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

Honorable Mentions:
Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are landing at sunset.
This causes the earth to spin on its axis.
The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster
when you're always going downhill.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place,
they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."