Crap Jokes / Recent Jokes

MURPHY`S LAWS ON WORK A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. Don`t be irreplaceable, if you can`t be replaced, you can`t be promoted. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don`t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many. Keep your boss`s boss off your boss`s back. This is what I`m doing more...

1. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
2. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
3. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
4. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
6. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
7. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
8. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
9. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
10. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool more...

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My. 357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.

The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?

I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"

"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he more...

Three old blokes were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year old. "You always feel like you have to piss. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all bloody day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble pissing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I have a piss every morning at 6: 00. I piss like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"Hell no! I crap every morning at 6: 30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You piss every morning at 6: 00 and crap every morning more...

'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My. 357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.
The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?
I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!"
"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.
I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my more...

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey!


Roses are crap
Violets are shit
Sit on my face
And wiggle a bit!


Roses are red
It's elementary
Let's ring up a friend
and try double entry!


Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
So's your Vaginer!


Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted.


Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky.


Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
'Cause here comes my willy!


Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your top
And show us your tits.


Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.