Crap Jokes / Recent Jokes

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. There will always be beer cans more...

The new tax system is full of acronyms which makes it more difficult for the average taxpayer to grasp. The following is a simple succinct appreciation of the new system.

The new system is NUTS the New Universal Taxation System and although it may appear to be complicated, it is easy to understand.

Basically, it is STUFFT the Simplified Tax Unit For Financial Transactions.

Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity an Australian Business Utilisation Number (ABUN) which will be used during dealings with governments at all levels.

Every business in Australia will get ABUN with NUTS. The new system will simplify the way businesses report to the Australian Taxation Collection Head Office Organisation (ATCHOO) Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table And Report Directive (BASTARD) every month.

Businesses should set aside at least three days every working week to fill the BASTARD more...

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, more...

THERE WAS THESE TWO GUYS AND A BLONDE.THEY WHERE ON A SKY SCRAPER.THE FIRST GUY JUMPED OFF THE BUILDING AND SAID "HAWK" AND FLEW AWAY.THE SENCOND MAN JUMPED OFF AND SAID "BLUE JAY" AND HE FLEW AWAY.THE BLONDE JUMPED OFF AND SAID "CRAP" AND TURNED INTO CRAP!

Shooting Accident
As a pregnant woman walked into a bank one day, a man dressed in black came in and shot her three times in the stomach. She was immediately rushed to the hospital.
She survived and had three children... two girls and one boy.
About ten years later, one of the daughters went up to her mother and said..."mom, something really weird happened to me. Yesterday when i was taking a crap I passed a bullet through my ass!"
The mother thought for a moment remembering the shooting that happened and told her daughter not to worry about it.
The next day, the second daughter went up to her mother and said "mom, something really weird happened to me. I was taking a crap the other day and I passed a bullet through my ass...". The mother told her not to worry about it.
The next day, the son went up to his mom and said "hey mom, guess what happened to me?"
The mom interupted - "let me guess, you passed a bullet more...

Two guys are driving on a desert highway and had gone a long time without seeing any buildings or bathrooms.

After a couple of hours like this one guy says "Hey man can you pull over I really gotta crap!"

The other guy said "sure" and pulls over. He then said "hey what are you gonna wipe with? i don't have anything in here. I know! Use a dollar!"

"All right that's better than nothing"

The guy comes back 5 minutes later with crap all over his hands and his pant legs.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO!" the driver exclaimed.

He responded as if the driver was stupid and said "well you would have crap all over your hands too if you wiped with 3 quarters, 2 times and a n

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a crap." The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap." The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?" The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea- I'll use that!" He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes. His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?" The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"