Crash Jokes / Recent Jokes
A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place. The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought more...
Late-breaking news: Federal investigators have revealed that yesterday's
record drop in the stock market was apparently triggered by two
high-school students operating out of a basement somewhere in Western
Pennsylvania. The names of the suspects, both minors, have not been
released. Arrest warrants have allegedly been issued, but the student
hackers apparently have not yet been apprehended. A spokesman for the
FBI refused to comment on the rumor that the two had managed to leave
the country carrying millions of dollars in cash and gold.
Just after the close of stock trading on Monday, the Washington Post
received a call from two individuals who claimed to be the stock market
"hackers." The callers explained that they have been breaking into the
computer systems of major brokerage houses for several months,
"adjusting" the price of various stocks. This was done by telephone,
using a Macintosh personal computer more...
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation.They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family aremourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a greatdoctor of my time, and a great family man."The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husbandand school teacher which made a huge difference in our children oftomorrow."The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'SMOVING!!!"
The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash
16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait.
15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you.
14> The' Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts' from worthless stock certificates.
13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.
12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait.
11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police.
10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner
9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics.
8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked.
7> Hold a' Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez' more...
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the
Christmas fairies. They spent most of their time practising
sitting on top of the Christmas trees. There was just one rule
they had to stick to... it was strictly forbidden for a fairy to
kiss anyone!
The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy. One day
Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw Floella
sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said,
"Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!"
Harry the Hare was shocked. "Father Christmas doesn't allow that! he gasped. "Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight
away into Goon!"
But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and
whispered, "Don't worry, we won't get caught!"
Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked
carefully over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no one was
looking. .. and more...
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.
Farmer Bill Dies in House.
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out.
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands.
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms.
Eye Drops off Shelf.
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66.
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax.
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.
Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
Stolen Painting Found by Tree.
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One.
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000.
'84 War Dims more...