Cut Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with colour inside." The second doctor said, "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are lawyers. They have only two parts - their mouth and their rears - and those are interchangeable."

"You're a cheat!" shouted the lawyer's client. "You're a scoundrel! You've kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!" "That's gratitude," said the offended lawyer. "And right after I named my new yacht after you."

A young man comes home and says “Dad, just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car. ”
Father replies,: ”O. K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see. ”
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car? ”
Father replies, “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair. ”
Son says, “But, dad, Jesus had long hair. ”
Father replies, “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went. ”

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager. The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, "Brrr!". The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, "Listen, if you ever do that again I'll cut yer balls off!"The gremlin says, "Ain't got none!" "Well, I'll cut off yer prick!" "Ain't got one of them, neither." says the gremlin." Well, how do ya pee?" The gremlin smiled and said, "Brrr!"

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says “Well ma’am, I can’t cut your hair with those head-phones on. You’re going to have to take them off. ”
She shakes her head vigorously and replies “No, if I take them off, I will die. ” He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.
All he heard was “Breathe in, breathe out, breath in. ”

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one if you run him through slowly!
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which more...

One morning, while shaving, John was cursing and swearing so
loudly it attracted the attention of Vickie, who was preparing
breakfast in the kitchen.
"What's the matter?" she called out.
"My razor - it won't cut!" he answered.
"Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me
your beard is tougher than the linoleum that it cut yesterday?"

Women's English: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = NoI'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You more...