Database Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees more...

Y2K Solution:' Millenium Year Application Software System' (MYASS)

We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as:' Millenium Year Application Software System' (MYASS). Next Monday at 9:00 am there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of implementation of the program, I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it.

Just this morning, I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. more...

THE LIFE OF A COMPUTER ANALYST (Long but VERY Funny!) Monday ------ 8: 05am User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let these people vote and drive, too? 8: 12am Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer... 8: 14 am User from 8: 05 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport. 11: 00 am Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she more...

386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if you're thinking of
buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.
640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.
Algorithm: A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.
Availability: Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly
shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.
Backup: The chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing
before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date
versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.
Buffer: The only other job - involving a chamois at the car wash - for which
most computer store salespeople are qualified.
Bundled software: Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto
spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think you're
getting real value for your money.
CD-ROM: A $30 more...