Dating Jokes / Recent Jokes

"My, what an attractive baby," said the handsome astrologer to the sweet young thing pushing the perambulator. "Do you happen to know what sign he was conceived under?"
"Yes," blushed the young mother. "It was KEEP OFF THE GRASS."

Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation:
"Would you marry someone who was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."

A twist on a well-known safety poster goes like this: IF YOU DRINK -DON'T PARK. ACCIDENTS CAUSE PEOPLE.

Aware of his prospective father-in-law's flair for sarcasm, the young groom-to-be was nervous over the prospect of asking for his daughter's hand. Summoning the necessary courage, he approached the girl's father and, with the utmost politeness, asked, "May I have your daughter for my wife?"
"I don't know," came the reply. "Bring your wife around and I'll let you know."

Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."

The young man addressed his prospective father-in-law: "Sir, I would like to marry your daughter."
"I'm afraid, son," the older man replied, "that you couldn't support her in the manner to which she is accustomed."
"Your daughter and I have talked it over, and she has consented to live on what I earn."
"That's fine. But remember that after a while a little one may come along, and that will mean added expense."
"Well, that's true, sir," the youth agreed, "but we've been lucky so far."

* Free dinners.
* You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.
* Speeding ticket? What's that?
* You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.
* If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.
* A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
* In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned.
* If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.
* If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
* If you're not very attractive, you can fool' em with makeup.
* If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.
* You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
* Brad Pitt.
* You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
* You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.
* When you more...