Deal Jokes / Recent Jokes

I recently overheard someone bragging about a great deal on gas - they paid $2.79/gallon when most of the places in the area are above $3.
Are you really getting a great deal, or are you simply getting screwed just a little bit less? Would you wake up one day and say, "Wow! Yesterday was a great day! I only got sodomized eight times instead of the usual ten!" I think not!

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wanna be a bear.

In my next life I wanna be a female bear...
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup... I wanna be a bear.

On the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.
Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.

Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
I am here, but my opposite is you.
Huh?
Don't let him bug ya'. We're here.
My opposite is not here.
Is your opposite "Lies"?
My opposite is "Void." He couldn't make it.
>snicker< Figures!
Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
I have the cards.
I've got the chips.
I have the beer.
I have the cards!
Shut up.
...
Whose deal is it?
Do ya' gotta ask that EVERY time?
It is Good's deal.
OK, five card draw...uh, everything is wild.
How can anyone win if everything is wild?
No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if...
I like this game.
This is pointless.
It is time to deal.
Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
Five.
Five and raise you five.
Don't you morons get it? It doesn't matter how much you bet!
I like ten more...

Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys,
For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys.
When the boss busted in, nearly scared' em half to death,
Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath.

From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo,
Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo.
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye,
"Merry Christmas to all- now you're all gonna DIE!"

The night Santa when crazy,
The night St. Nick went insane!
Realized he'd been getting' a raw deal,
Something finally must have snapped in his brain.

Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it.
Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet.
And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage,
And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausage.
He got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger,
And he slashed up Dasher just like more...

A union leader was addressing the workers at a union meeting…
"I am pleased to announce that we have agreed on a new deal with the management. We will no longer work four days a week."
"Hooray!" the crowd yelled.
"We will finish work at 4 PM, not 5 PM."
"Hooray!" the crowd yelled again.
We will start work at 10 AM, not 9 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 110% pay increase."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Tuesdays."
Suddenly, the crowd fell silent, until a voice from the back asked, "Every Tuesday?"