Deal Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.
6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that more...

[This is YET ANOTHER one]
Yes, now women too can enjoy special "just for her" seminars taught by our
all-male faculty.
SEMINARS FOR WOMEN
"Are you ready to leave?"-Definition of the word "yes"
Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly "Honey, do I look fat?")
Elementary Map Reading
Crying and law enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar-Program your VCR
You can go shopping for less then 4 hours
Gaining five pounds v. the end of the world: a study in contrast
The Seven-Outfit Week
PMS-It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: It's Happened Monthly
Since Puberty-Deal With It)
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving-It's As Simple As Oil and Water
The Super Bowl: Not a Game-A Sacrament
Telephone Translations (was: "Me too" equals "I Love more...

*** COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom): Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling' ya those little buggers can't be trusted. After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has more...

SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)

1. You, Too, Can Do Housework

2. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

3. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works

4. How to Fill an Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money

6. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled "Don't Wash my Silks")

8. Parenting: No, It Doesn't End With Conception

9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook

10. Techniques of Calling Home

11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right

12. "The Weekend" and "Sports" are Not Synonymous

13. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

14. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled "No, It's Not a Bidet")

15. How to Stay Awake After Sex-Afterglow, Hold Me, Talk to Me

16. Why it more...

How to reach a deal
Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a business lunch.
Morris said, "I have a good deal for you, Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds."
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said, "Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can`t even squeeze in a card table. So you think I`m going to buy an elephant?"
Morris said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."
"Aha," said Bernard, "now you`re talking!"

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplane rides, but he balked at the $10 tickets.

"Let's make a deal," said the pilot. "If you and your wife can ride with out making a single sound, I won't charge you anything. Otherwise, you pay the $10.00."

"Good deal", said the farmer.

So they went for a ride. When they got back the pilot said, "If I hadn't been there, I never would have believed it. You never made a sound.!" "It wasn't easy, either" said the farmer. "I almost yelled when my wife fell out."

Satan comes down to visit a famous, utterly ruthless Hollywood producer.
Satan says, "Look, I have a business proposition for you. I can get you
any deal you want, with anybody in the business, on any terms you like."
The producer's eyes light up. "Hmm... and what do you want from me?"
Satan smiles. "Your immortal soul."
The producer sits back and ponders, stroking his goatee. "I don't get it.
Where's the catch?"